Five Days Away.

Were five days away! And I am so excited! But really scared... I think I still have a bunch of unwanted feelings bottled up inside that I'm afraid might come out unexpectedly... But I think we'll be fine... I just want to be happy with him again. And we're getting better but... idk we'll be ok. I've already started packing and I've gotten everything ready to come down. I've got to find some things and finish doing alot of laundry >.< Work tonight, then four days. I can't believe this is even happening!

Protect you from the pain.

Thinking I wouldn't recover from a 3-days weekend, ah I was wrong! I woke up incredibly early this morning, got ready and look great :) Really, and despite the cold, I'm wide awake and on top of things (such as the homework I didn't do over the weekend!). And I got to school early, and was able to finish it. Bad news, I failed a Trig. test miserably. :( Hope it doesn't affect my grade too too much.. Probably will. :/ But, at least, my next check will be awesome though :) Can't wait to spend it on what I'm gonna spend it on aha ;) And a new winter coat! Yes! Can't wait to get down there though. 23 days left to spend alone. Time is finally beginning to fly by. Soon, under twenty days, and soon after, under ten. That's when the countdown REALLY BEGINS :)

<3 Love you Jas.

Almost Perfect Day.

Raining outside! Had to get a ride from my mom which means I had some extra time to get ready and look nice and make coffee :) Lookin great but not fair that every other school in this county doesn't have school but it's nice that we don't have school Monday. And I really really hope I don't work Monday :/ I'd appreciate a day off and a day to sleep in at least. And Mondays and Tuesdays are usually my days off.

27 days! Coming fast! My friend Shari took her vacation to Massechusettes to see her boyfriend, long distance relationship, only she's only going to be there until Monday. Glad mine is 10 days :)

Less than a month!!! =)

Another BEAUTIFUL fall morning spent away. Aha I love how I just so happen to always write a journal whether or not I'm always updating the blog online -- at least I do it on paper! 2nd period...i might update the blog.
Sittin in Trig. everyone is graphing sin & cos. I actually understand this pointless shit! Makes me happy, just hope it starts this easy.

I was, for the last week or so, considering buying plane tix to go down to NC for xmas or new years to spend iwth him and surprise him but I figured theyd be expensive and I was right. But Jas said he wanted to be here when I started packing up to move so. I hope that goes all too well =) besides, I couldnt come for christmas. my fam would probabbly be pissed and i have a TON of xmas parties to go to. it ridiculoussss. So I suppose its alright.

just cant wait to GTFO of here! sooo excited!

annnnd im super burnt and hurting haha.

30 DAYS!!!!!!! <333

October...

Another monday morning and its getting colder and colder and...lonlier. 31 days. Exactly 1 month. time couldnt go by any slower :( it really sucks some of the things im stuck going through and he cant be here to hold me through them. so its very lonely and in my times of need of...pleasure ;) im left with nothing! this sucks! im so glad this was it. so glad this was the longest we'd be apart, so glad the time from when I come back home and the time I move will be a short 2 months! SO glad Im MOVING! SO glad my parenst are putting trust in me to take my vacation, I never would have imagined this possible! It will probably be the most amazing thing Id ever be able to experience -- a vacation on my own! =) something I never thought I'd get to have or or be allowed to do. And I am very surprised my mom is 'for' me to move. My life is beginning, and I am so happy HE is in my life while all this is happening! it makes it so much less scary.

I couldnt be ANY happier =)
<3

Psych gets boring..

Finally October! Which only means I have to get through this month and then I get to be down with my baby! And 2 payments away! Which means my next check I'll be buying his Christmas gifts! Exciting kinda, that we get to celebrate early.. Things seem different lately..maybe I'll just wait it out and see where things go.. But I just dunno.. Rather not talk about it here though. Keep it to myself.

Can't wait to get down there though..

MEMOIR

Brittany Beaupre

October 1^st, 2009

2^nd Period Creative Writing

Mr. Benoit

For many years proceeding today, romantic relationships have always led me to give up on a lot of things, including friendships. There was always the prominent high school drama with your boyfriend and his friends and the commotion your friends would give you because you never had the time for them. You were usually too busy doing something with the person you always believed you shared the most feelings with and whom you thought cared for you the most. But you find that these things change over time, and these relationships are harder to keep up with. You begin to find that you have to sacrifice a lot of things because immaturity takes over each other’s attitudes, forcing each other to quit speaking to someone you aren’t comfortable with, or quit doing something because the significant other felt as if they were being left out. And you realize these things are not needed and you find ways to overcome these obstacles but the partner is reluctant and unwilling to make any changes. And because of this, you make a decision that changes your life and everything you’ve most recently experienced or known, and you are hopelessly left with nothing.

The longest relationship I’ve ever been blessed to have was a decent, yet long, two-year ‘friendship’ as I would prefer to describe it. It gave me insight and taught me very valuable lessons toward future relationships and how to handle certain issues that may arise. Jealousy happens to be a huge topic amongst men and women, where both sexes are brought together on a whole new level of…disagreement. Because of jealousy, I had to abide by rules set by a past significant other, forcing me to give up things and feel things that I not only did not want to feel, but also didn’t want him to be feeling either. In the end, it only taught me to act the same way and you find that you can’t stop acting this way. I was drawn into a web of jealousy and issues that were never conquered, problems that weren’t dealt with, and tears that seemed to never end. I can’t give you detailed information on a two year relationship with a guy who obviously isn’t around anymore, but I will tell you this: Even the lowest moments of your life will pick back up and lead to better, greater moments that are worth remembering.

I happened to give up on wanting new relationships after previous ones died out, and decided to leave ‘love’ alone for awhile. This was a semi-lonely fraction of my life. Of course I had my friends there to help me through it and I had a lot of fun times hanging out with these people, but it didn’t change the fact that my heart was lonely. Eventually, I started hating guys but it happened to be very hypocritical of me when the majority of my friends were men. Females often started the drama before so I stopped making friends with women, and I avoided a lot of conversations or running into girls I knew who started problems for no good reason. This happened to be a good decision to make, despite what most people would think.

Fully believing that I was done with guys for awhile, someone stepped into my life before I knew it had even happened; before I had even wanted it to happen. I remember it perfectly too. It was a regular weekend spent at my father’s house with my two younger sisters, a place I was forced to visit every weekend, every other weekend, and now a place I don’t even visit at all. I was spending a weekend there, suffering from my allergies because my step-mom ‘needed’ to have a cat. It was later in the evening and dinner was cooking, I was sitting at their desktop computer where I was frequently caught on MySpace and Facebook, conversing with my friends. There weren’t many people online that night, but before I was about to give up and log out of my websites, I received a few picture comments from someone I had never had a full conversation with before, let alone even met. They were comments that almost made me want to block him; I almost felt he was ‘creeping’ on me because we didn’t even know each other at all. They weren’t inappropriate, they just happened to say I was very pretty, good looking, etc. So I did what the norms of MySpace do and made comments on his pictures in return. I made my way to his profile, searching for his name… Jason. I was very shocked that this was the guy that I had friend requested on a whim a few months back, who lives in North Carolina and knows a girl I happened to be best friends with years before. I had never looked at his pictures before, but I did find that his default picture was deceiving. It looked nothing like him. I figured it was an older picture, and he had just failed to replace it with an updated picture. Making my way through his photo albums, I agreed with myself that this guy was actually very good looking. I didn’t know if I should strike up a conversation, but before I knew it, he already did. As I returned to my home page, a link in red stated I had a new message. I read the message and replied. We had a very decent conversation after this, sharing each other’s background and even got on topic of a private part of each other’s lives—relationships. We had so much in common it struck me odd and almost seemed unreal. It seemed more like a friendship then it did anything else, but it felt really good to know there was someone out there who had the desire in talking to me, even if it meant ignoring anything past a friendship. But a friendship was hard to avoid, because it soon hit me that I didn’t want to stop talking to this guy, and I didn’t want a friendship. It was enjoyable and made me feel less lonely and more wanted. We talked more and more and opened up to each other and eventually felt comfortable enough to exchange phone numbers. We texted each other all night, and before I knew it, I was tired, and I fell asleep. Day one and something had already happened; something that I didn’t exactly want happening for a long time. I started falling for someone I hadn’t met before; someone I didn’t know was even real or not. He had sent a picture showing his true southern self and I immediately knew this guy had caught my interest.

Waking up the next morning, I had a text message telling me he was thinking about me after I had already fallen asleep. It blew my mind away how love can quickly take over two people, even in a matter of a days’ time. This made me fall the rest of the way. I never had the chance to meet someone like this, someone who made the effort to let you know how he is feeling because he knows it’ll make you feel good too. Someone who just knows what they’re doing. I loved this. We continued to talk day after day and he never seemed uninterested with me. We began a long-distance relationship, and gave each other the titles of ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’. Things were so easy in the beginning, we talked every day and we got to know each other more and more, unable to recognize flaws yet. I only try my hardest in one area anymore—jealousy. Everything else was easy, my only concern being that a long distance relationship can lead to one or the other getting sidetracked very easily, whether they mean to or not. I was afraid of things happening; things that could only break my heart even more and push me away from guys forever. But I can tell you that it takes a lot of trust to put into something like this, and you have to have a lot of trust for that special someone. I was able to do both, despite my past.

Looking back a few years, I can recall two long-distance relationships I put myself through that failed terribly. I can only laugh now because the two people I was in a relationship with then, I am still friends with to this day. But what makes me laugh even more is that the distance between us was roughly thirty minutes. The only thing that kept us from seeing each other was the fact that none of us had cars. Looking back, and still laughing, I think of how the relationship I am blessed with now is far worse but in much better shape. We are separated by six hundred and thirty-eight miles and still doing perfectly. We managed to get him to Illinois twice over the summer, and my trip is set to take place in November. Money is tight, but we worked things out and helped each other with the expenses and it was very worthwhile.

When Jason called me as soon as he got into Bourbonnais for the first time in June, I was very scared for the fact that this was it!—I would finally meet him in person. Scared as I was, I couldn’t help but let the thought linger on my mind; What if he isn’t who he says he is? I listened to my heart on this one and told him where I lived and how to get there. He pulled into my driveway in a white Alero, stepped out of his car, and I almost had a conniption. I was overwhelmed that it really was him, and that everything was real and our feelings were true. He drove over six hundred miles to see me! Of all people! He stayed for a week, and it was very heartbreaking when he had to leave…but we knew it had to happen whether we wanted it to or not. Things have been wonderful since. He made a second trip in August was lucky enough to stay for two weeks. We took trips to Chicago and went to dinners and he even met my family for the first time. I can honestly say that my family ADORES him. They are completely in love with him and want the best for us both. My mom even asked me awhile after he had left the second time if we were going to plan things after college and get married. Married!

My parents all wish him to stay in my life for a long time, and I do believe he will. We’ve made the unthinkable happen, and is still happening. Currently, we’ve been together 5.5 months. We’re still young as a relationship but we grow each and every day in so many ways. There are difficult moments in which the distance puts more and more weight on my shoulders and I feel lonelier then I ever have in my life. But I am told by him that once we pass this test, as he likes to call it, the greatest thing will come from it, that being a greater and stronger us.

I plan on moving back down to North Carolina in January 2010. I have had this planned for quite some time, and yes, I had this planned before Jason. I had lived there previously, about seven years ago, after my mother had gone through her divorce with my father. We moved into my grandfathers’ motel that he owns, and stayed there for about a year and a half until my brother decided he wanted to move back to Illinois. I do plan on moving back. My family loved being down there, even if it was best that we moved back and stay in Illinois for school.

Ever since April, when I first ‘met’ Jason, things in life have been more than amazing. I got to have the most amazing summer because someone made my dreams happen. I couldn’t ask for a better person to have in my life. In the end, I was proved wrong about guys. Meeting Jason and all the times spent with him will forever be my favorite collection of memories.

Wake up..

It's only 6:57am in the morning. Getting ready for school but I've run into a problem with...us not having any hot water... Totally sucks. Can't shower now but at least my hair doesn't look like a greasy mess, its decent. Just going to have to throw it up and deal. Not much to write...gonna call him soon anyway. And then I have to leave. But I'll make sure to have a part two of this. Agh, I take the second portion of my Trig test today. With a calculator but idk what kind of a difference that'll make seeing as I suck :( ah. Alright. -xoxo

36 days =)

SO Incredibly Happy! =)

Bought my plane tickets this morning so already things are feeling 100% better & positive and it's good to know and feel that its for sure that I'm coming down! Tix were a small fortune and without our bad luck of having the purchase being delayed, I wouldnt have gotten them at their cheaper price! Thanks Nat. City banking ah, wonderful. I coldn't have done it without him though. Big thanks over his way for being AMAZING and a WONDERFUL boyfriend. I'm so lucky to have a relationship like this. He told me he'd make sure I would be down no matter what and it's happening! I am very lucky. It's amazing =) Can't wait to see my new home! and get a taste of what its gonna be like on my own and with him =) I miss the scenery as well...so beautiful there. Gonna write my paper about our relationship for my Creative Writing class. Amazing memory I've got of us. Can't wait to see how it turns out. 37 DAYS!

Sharp (lonely) sting of the windd.

Just a few more hours til I'm home from school. It is FREEZING outside! Perfect weather to hold the one you love close... Everyone here is so lucky to have their signif. other here with them sometimes I just would almost settle for anyone. It def bothers me but I know right from wrong. And he tells me all the time this is a test that something great will come out of if we pass it. We have around 3.5 months left til I'm down for good. 38 days until were together though...I like that countdown a lil better though =)

Enjoy It While It Lasts.

Is it weird at all that whenever I make another entry, I feel like I'm writing in Mr. Benoit's Creative Writing classroom. I don't have to be creative at all but, I feel like I need to. Grr. Limelight being stuck in my head haha..I feel outdated.

Been havin' the weirdest of dreams lately. And my plane tickets keep being pushed off some way shape or form, thanks to nature itself, delaying my purchase. And I def am stressing over it.. Gah.

idk it hard though, like knowing I can't call him up and ask him to come over and be with me like those wonderful 2 weeks he was here he was only a mile or two away.. :(

it blows.

idrk what else to say other than I really miss you Jas :( and i love you and Ill never stop

39 days. cant wait to be in your arms again. <3

Creative Writing.. fin' to be creative!

So, it's a regular Friday morning in Creative Writing... which means it's Twilight Zone Friday... meaning to write the 'witches hat' of an old show. It's actually really good. haha the guy off Priceline plays a character & hes real young.

Last night was a rough night and I am sad to say that I shouldve asked for help and shouldve talked about it with Jas..because I really wanted to get it all out instead of keep it all inside. But it helped when I woke up in the middle of the night to talk to him. I just need him here.. it really hurts that he cant be here.. or that I'm not going to be there sooner. Just everything seems to fall apart when he leaves. I'm ready to move and be down there and forget about this place. Everything here has made my life miserable and I have to put on a smile and hide everything I wish I could let out.




just wish I could be held the way I need to...
hum..

Trigonometry and the Study of Love

Another morning I wake up and he isn't beside me. Upsetting. But I love calling and hearing his voice. I love hearing his laugh... its got to be one of my favorite things. Really!

School 8-10am. And were marked at 43 days!

Its just absolutely crazy how 2 people from 2 different sides of the world that are entirely different for sure can fall for each other. It almost seems impossible but its definitely possible beacuse was lucky enough to have it happen to me. Even though its kinda difficult and it gets really hard sometimes..especailly when I have to see everyone else's love for others around me.. But I know that what they have isn't something as special as what I have. Thats just something I know... As difficult as this relationship may be.. I know it was meant for me. I was supposed to have something like this. It was meant to be. And I know by the way we are with each other and by the way we handle the distance that we are definitely going to last and share a very long and happy relationship together. Its just a feeling and I know it true.

So many people tell me they wouldnt be able to last in a relationship like this; that they couldnt do it. But if two people put their minds to something and believe in it with not only their minds, but also their hearts, then its verypossible that it can work out and the two will be destined for alot of good things and that how I feel about what I have.

I love him. So much. This is something I never had before. Previous long distance relationships have never worked out before but this is the longest yet and its working perfectly.. It just shows me that we can do this. He shows me we can do this. He knws me what love can be and the extent to which it can be given each and every day.

And that makes me feel so special.

Short

Kinda bothers me that I am forced to see people I know with the people they love. But I don't have him :( Gotta deal tho. It out of my control. Just can't wait for my vacation down there.. I need out of here so bad itll be so rejuvenating.. Getting closer to a month away though... 44 days!

Lucid.

I can't even get through a school day without being reminded of him. Everything in my day incorporates into memories I have of us. It kind of hurts to have to think of him all of the time when I know he's so far away... But there isn't much I can do about it.. Him being so far from me is out of my control it sucks.. its unfair but I think this how my life was supposed to turn out. I was supposed to be taught a lesson in life and here I am learning it and enjoying it. But I learned alot of other things about life and how love is supposed to be and what it should always be--and thatyou much sacrifice alot of things in order to keep it. But I guess it doesnt have that much of a effect on me cause I have nothin to lose.. id give up everything cause I don't need anything. Thankfully I found someone who already lives near my destination. At least I know I'll be happy (: Can't wait!

Life's empty. Yuck.

Days. Hours. Minutes. Seconds. He's definitely gone.. And I really don't want to say life has to return back to normal..but it does.. Hm.

Before he knew.

What is there to write other than an "I love you".. because I now know it's true.

I've been given a wonderful thing, a person to love, enjoy and know I may just have a promise with. Someone funny, sophisticated, outgoing, smart, mature...and the occasional immaturity shows, but sensible enough to go unnoticed.. Because he doesn't abuse it. He makes me feel entirely happy with the many things he says to me - he says all of the right things at all of the right times.

There is no way I could ever get rid of him, and if he ever tried...I swear I'd make it so hard for him to let go.. I'm going to do my best to make him want to keep me around..

I am completely infatuated with this boy. He is officially the start of the rest of my life..and I want to spend the rest of my life with him - it feels like a promise with him.. There is nothing to break us, nothing to interfere. This is the kind of love I have always looked forward to having... the kind I have only dreamt of having all my life.. Now that I have it..I want nothing else. There is nothing better. Of all of the things I've gotten, this is the best thing I've ever had. Perfection.